My Boyfriend Is Not a Saint for Putting Up With My RA
An RA diagnosis doesn’t place us in the role of the ‘patient’ in our romantic relationships. It’s time for us—and the rest of the world—to start believing that.
我很严重and obvious rheumatoid arthritis (RA) and use a wheelchair because of it. My partner does not. People stare at us when we hold hands in public. You can see the surprise (even shock) in their eyes, quickly followed by the reflection of a dozen questions tumbling over each other in their minds. And then, for the grand finale, theAww... isn't he a darling for being with the sick woman?
I'm often viewed by the world as someone with only one dimension—sick—not as a person with many facets. Illness and disability are scary. They remind us that we aren't guaranteed a body that'll always obey our every whim and desire. They show how fragile health can be. And because we live in a culture that assigns worth according to productivity, you have worth if you can contribute to society (usually by working). If you can't, you don't.
那个，就在那里，在问题的核心，不是吗？当你生病或有残疾时，似乎你在某种程度上失去了你可能在健康和能够健康的时候失去了价值或吸引力。就好像你现在是某种损坏的商品，你不能......是什么？坚持自己？这是无稽之谈。我的伴侣和我一直在一起10年，我们的关系等于，互相支持。
你也可以帮助并成为一个情人
Once, back in the dark ages before the internet, I placed a personal ad in a newspaper, which led to a conversation with someone who'd responded. When he heard I had used a wheelchair, he ran screaming for the hills, but not before sputtering something about wanting an "equal partner." I was curious enough to ask why I couldn't be. It'd be someone who could help paint the house, was his answer.
Yes. Seriously.
Usually these kinds of statements are not about the painting, but the help. Both the giving and receiving. Somehow, we have arrived at a point where the act of caregiving for another adult excludes all other roles. One person is the caregiver, selflessly enduring the "psychological strain" of helping with personal care and the way it changes the dynamics in the relationship, making it completely impossible that they could be both a lover and a caregiver. Simultaneously, you're seen as transitioning to a patient role. And as anyone who's waited for a doctor while wearing a skimpy paper gown can attest, there is nothing less empowered, asexual, and pitiful than a patient. Therefore, you have nothing to offer in the relationship except the conferring of sainthood upon the person helping you out.
爱就是爱
That's not what happened to David and me. We met on a dating site and became friends. Then we started talking on the phone and eventually clued in to what had been obvious to others for months: We were in love. He's helped me since the beginning, and it's never been an issue. It's simply part of what happens in a day and our talking and laughing continue throughout.
On the蠕动和粗糙YouTube频道，Shane Burcaw和Hannah Aylwark邮政关于他们的生活，以及它是一个互相夫妻的夫妇。其中一个经常性主题是关于观众的评论，他们绝对确定一个健康和美丽的女人永远不会爱上一个严重残疾的人，因为谢恩说，让他活着。
它共鸣。深。因为我的伴侣大卫和我有多次遭遇的人，那些令人震惊的人，我们在恋爱关系中（只有我每次有人问他是否是我的兄弟的人）。此外，他们认为我相当于盆栽植物，例如，一家商店职员向他询问我需要什么尺寸的顶级。
大卫不知道我的上衣尺寸是多少。他只是把它们带走了。有时作为护理人员，其他时间完全不同的目的。
It Doesn't Take a 'Special Type of Person' to Be With You
The worst part is how these messages become internalized. We are a product of our culture and so, on some level we may believe it, too. Many I've spoken to feel their diagnosis means they have less to offer their spouse or, if single, believe they will never find love because of it.
I have been there myself. From when I was very young, I was aware that it would take someone pretty special to be able to see me first, and my illness and wheelchair much, much later. I knew this because every day, I had to fight to be seen as a person. But the trouble with perception is that it becomes reality. I expected that I'd have to wait for the one in a million, and therefore didn’t see those who stood in front of me, truly seeing me. I expected special, so I never saw normal.
稍后，我意识到这种对潜力的盲目在我身上就在我身上。那是我开始撕下我自己的刻板印象，发现它在约会情况下能够先看到我的人来说实际上并不罕见。
你必须爱自己
这是棘手的部分：为了重新夺回你的价值 - 作为一个人，一个热辣的宝贝，一个伙伴 - 你必须首先拒绝疾病和残疾是单面的，不包括其他任何方面的。
这个很难（硬。你会得到很多消息，这些信息将侵蚀你的信心，自尊和身体形象，但第一步是注意到它们。在寻找有毒刻板印象，谈论慢性疾病的人生活/工作/拥有一个家庭“尽管有关成就或美丽的意外建议。有时可以很微妙，但一旦你的雷达打开，你就会在任何地方看到这些消息。它意味着期望人们通常不能仅仅因为他们有疾病或残疾而无法做到这些事情，这根本不是总是真实的，它不应该是默认的期望。
你可能听过古老的格言，要爱一个人，你必须先爱自己。慢性疾病使其难以完全拥抱自己和你的身体和你的身体一样美丽和值得。遵循慢性疾病战士与积极的身体信息，开始与你的偷看谈论这一点（提示：几乎每个人，健康或不，斗争接受和爱自己）。当你逐渐放弃童话，成为与你的身体的朋友, united in the struggle against the illness, you can open up to real love. The kind that accepts youjust the way you are.
Please be patient with yourself on the journey. There are many factors in coming to accept yourself, even love yourself, and it will take time. Therapy can help, both in terms of accepting where you're at, healing, and creating your own definition of a loving and healthy relationship—the kind in which both of you take care of each other, in whatever way that looks like.
尽管如此，你可能已经猜到了我的伴侣是一个圣诞节的圣徒，尽管如此，我是否已经与我同在？让我这样说吧。他偶尔会有一个甜心，因为我忍受了他的更极端的性格特征，就像我忍受的那样。但是一个圣人因为他坚持生病的女人？一定不行！
- Karraker，Amelia和Latham，Kenzie（2015年9月）。在疾病和健康中？身体疾病作为后期婚姻解散的危险因素。J Health SoC表现;56（3）：420-435.
